Easy Target - Everyone's out to get me :(

(翻譯在下方)

You have to wonder about someone with presidential ambitions who plays the victim quite as much as the Taipei Mayor. 

I really don’t like to keep sniping at him, but he makes himself such an easy target. 

He is politically inept, and by implication, so are his team of advisors and minders. If he thinks always playing the underdog will garner him votes, he is mistaken. It’s sad to see someone with presidential ambitions to get the core value of political leadership so wrong.   

I’ve lost count of the number of times he has accused others of targeting him, misunderstanding him, misquoting him, misrepresenting him or just picking on him.  

He’s not wrong, everyone does pick on him. That’s because he is politically weak and really does not get how politics works. He must be surrounded by a team of incompetents who have only a tiny understanding of the cut-and-thrust of democratic politics. 

If he really wants to be President of Taiwan, the first thing he needs to do is sack his entire team ahead of 2024.

To be allowed to be photographed apparently on his own on a chilly parade ground on television and in front of the entire population was a political faux pas. The one thing a potential leader does not do is look isolated. But let’s be charitable and suppose circumstances were beyond his, or his minders, control and he could help but be standing there apparently on his own. 

In itself that was a political slip up. But he made it multiple degrees worse after the photo was published by making out he was put there on purpose to make him look bad and play the victim. This really is pathetic. 

What was his team thinking to allow him to be in that position? What was he thinking in allowing himself to be pushed into that position? What were they thinking when they complained about it after the event? 

You can only come to the conclusion that he is not cut out for political life, the team around him have little understanding of how to get him to the presidency, or he is just delusional and somehow thinks the victim image will somehow gain a sympathy vote. He is wrong.

Imagine this guy in talks with Biden or Putin…the mind boggles. 

Tinkerty Tonk...

你不得不懷疑任何有總統野心的人，會像台北市長一樣經常扮演受害者。我真的不喜歡一直評論他，但他一再讓自己成為如此容易攻擊的目標。

他在政治上是無能的，這意味著他的顧問和幕僚也是如此。如果他認為總是扮演被壓迫的一方會為他贏得選票，那他就錯了。看到有總統野心的人把政治領導的核心價值弄錯，真是令人難過。

我已經數不清他有多少次指責別人針對他、誤解他、錯誤引用他、歪曲他或只是挑他毛病。

他沒錯，的確很多人都在挑他的毛病，因為他在政治上很弱，也真的不明白政治是如何運作的。他肯定是被一群政治無能者包圍，他們對民主政治的切入點及其運作方式知之甚少。如果他真的想成為台灣總統，他需要做的第一件事就是在2024年之前解僱他的整個團隊。

被拍到在寒冷的廣場上和在所有人面前孤獨一人在政治上是尷尬的，潛在領導者不會做的一件事就是看起來孤立無援。但是讓我們仁慈一點，假設當時的情況超出他或他的幕僚可以控制範圍，他沒有選擇只能自己站在那裡。

這本身已經是個政治失誤了，但在照片發布後認為出發點是為了要讓他出醜難堪，扮演被害者角色使情況變得更糟，這真的很可悲。

讓他處於這種狀況的幕僚在想什麼？允許幕僚把自己放入這種狀況的他在想什麼？此事之後還抱怨，他們在想什麼？

你只能得出結論，就是他不適合政治生活，他的團隊對如何讓他成為總統一無所知，或者他只是在妄想，不知何故他認為受害者形象會以某種方式獲得同情票，他錯了。

想像一下，這個人正在與拜登或普丁交談……我難以想像。

Tinkerty Tonk...掰掰。

New Year Standup Comedy Fun

As midnight rolled around the world, fireworks lit-up the sky and people rang in what will hopefully be a better year, I guess it was up to someone to provide a little light relief from the somewhat depressing thoughts of the two years just past. 

Enter the Taipei Mayor, never backwards in coming forward, and always ready to provide some slapstick comedy, he took to the stage outside City Hall before being totally upstaged by the fireworks. As socially awkward as ever, he mumbled his way through a few lines to inform the crowd how great a job he did with the pandemic, although he had the good grace to thank hospitals, medical staff and the public for their help and cooperation.

A clean and neutral few words to a crowd who was keen to get on with things and celebrate and not listen to boring politicians. So far, so good.  

Given his wacky and entertaining performances in the past, I’m sure many in the crowd felt a twinge of disappointment that this little appearance seemed not to be descending in chaos and farce. However, their faith was quickly restored when the real comedy highlight of the evening arrived in the form of three flanking presenters who then chimed in.

His minders should really have immediately stepped in then to prevent the ensuing carnage, but as usual they abandoned the hapless Mayor to his embarrassing and hilarious fate, with what was probably the best example of nauseating sycophancy I’ve witnessed in many a long year.   

One dressed like a powder-puff, and the other dressed like Tigger from Winnie the Pooh then made mincemeat of the unlucky Mayor with questions that would have embarrassed a group of seven-year-olds playing a pretend game of Blind Date. 

“We still have a little bit of time. Can we ask some more intimate questions?” gushed Tigger. 

To his credit Ko looked embarrassed and stared at the ground looking for all the world like he was wishing it would crack open and swallow him up. “Absolutely no, haha,” he replied. To my mind this was absolutely the right answer.  

Powder Puff, keen for her moment in the sun clearly did not hear Mr Mayor’s reply, or just ignored it. Turning to Mrs Ko she asked…”Do you have complaints? Do you feel tired?” Now I’m sure Puff prepared for ages for this performance and in coming up with this question you can only assume she wanted to know if her feet didn’t ache from all this standing around on a cold night or she was tired of being asked dumb questions by a woman dressed like candy floss. 

No stranger to asking daft questions herself, Mrs Ko exclusively revealed..”Maybe. When I'm very tired I will complain a little.” An astounding revelation we would all agree, I’m sure. But she couldn’t help herself with a little bit of politicking..”But I will forget about it soon and will continue to support him.” This was more like the cutting edge political debate the crowd had come to hear.

“I will pay attention to his daily activities and hope he will rest more,” she insightfully added. “But he usually doesn't listen to me.” Well no surprise there dear Mrs Ko, because no one else does. 

Then, not to be outdone, a gormless looking guy in bright orange trousers looking like he’d just arrived from a building site chipped in with a real blockbuster…”I'd like to know if you two have time for a date. Do you go out for dates?”

The crowd fell silent in awed anticipation of the possibly earth-shattering answer. “Er, when we were both doctors, she came to visit me when I was on duty. I visited her when she was on duty. I also helped her to see her patients and she helped me,” came the shocking admission from Ko of covert lovers’ trysts among the bed-pans in the sluice cupboard.  

Powder puff, Tigger and Orange Pants knew they had struck gold. “HAHAHAHA,” the chorused as all three scanned the crowd as if willing the assembled masses to see the funny side and join in the hilarity.

I’ve never thought of Ko’s wife as being particularly self-aware, but at this stage even she seemed to have noticed that this was not going well. But the three clowns were relentless and the Mayor’s minders seemed content to let the train-wreck play itself out. 

Powder Puff clearly thought she was being upstaged at this point and came back with a zinger. “Now, there are 12 flower festivals in Taipei. Would you ask the mayor to go and see the flowers with you? Which one do you want to see?

By this time, Mrs Ko had had enough. “When he's free.” she briskly replied.

Powder Puff to Mr Mayor…”Will you be free? She's asking for a date.”

Like his wife, Mayor Ko by this time had become almost monosyllabic in his replies…”I will try to be available. I will try my best.”

Powder puff, Tigger and Orange Pants ….“HAHAHAHA.”

I can only guess the Mayor’s advisory team were in a bar somewhere drowning their sorrows, having abandoned their boss to his ignominious fate at the hands of the idiot presenters from hell. 

At least they allowed the rest of us to get the New Year off to an excellent start with a good laugh at his expense. 

Tinkerty Tonk… 

《新年脫口秀》

當跨年午夜輪流在世界各地啟動時，煙火照亮了天空，人們期待新的一年會比去年更好，我想應該有人出來舒緩一下過去兩年的沮喪。

於是台北市長上場了，可以出風頭時他從不退縮，隨時準備來點鬧劇：在壓軸施放煙火前，他和他的太太走上市政府外的舞台。一如既往他在公開場合顯得格格不入，咕噥著想告訴人們他在疫情中的表現，儘管他表示很感激醫院、醫護人員和民眾的合作。

對等著慶祝跨年而不想聽無聊政客說話的人群來說，這算是乾淨而中性的幾句話，到目前為止都還好。

鑑於他過去在公開場合古怪而有趣的表現，我相信在場的許多人都感到一陣失望，因為這個小小的致辭似乎沒有演變為混亂和鬧劇。令人意外的是今晚的喜劇亮點，以三位主持人的形式出現，讓人們重拾鬧劇演出的信心。

市長的幕僚真的應該立即介入以防止隨後發生的悲劇，但像往常一樣，他們拋棄了不幸的市長，讓他在舞台上陷入尷尬可笑，這可能是我一年來目睹諂媚到令人作嘔的最好例子。

這幾個主持人一個穿得像粉撲，還有一個穿得像小熊維尼的跳跳虎，他們把倒霉的市長攤在眾人面前切碎，他們提出的問題甚至會讓一群玩我愛紅娘的七歲孩子感到尷尬。

「今天還有一點小小的時間，我們可不可以問一些比較私密的話？」跳跳虎這麼問。值得稱讚的是，市長似乎看起來有點尷尬，盯著地上想要找到整個世界，好像希望地面會裂開把他吞下去一樣。

「千萬不要，哈哈，」他如此回答。在我看來，這絕對是正確的答案。

熱衷於曬太陽的跳跳虎顯然沒有聽到市長先生的回答，或者只是置之不理。他轉柯太太：「您到底有沒有怨言？」「會不會累？」

我相信跳跳虎一定為這場表演準備了很長時間，在提出這個問題時，你只能假設他想知道她是否在寒冷的夜晚站到腳酸，或者她是否厭倦了一個打扮成老虎的男人向她提出愚蠢的問題。

然而柯太太本人對提出蠢問題一事並不陌生，她獨家透露：「或許吧，很累的時候，我會抱怨一兩句。」這真是個驚人的發現，我敢肯定我們都會同意！

她到底還是忍不住政治化一下：「不過我很快就會忘了，又會恢復到我以前支持他的態度。」人們聚集在廣場跨年，好像是為了聽這麼精闢的發言。

「我會注意他的身體健康，當然有時候也會約束他的日常作息，希望他能夠多休息，」柯太太在此補充了更多細節。「不過他通常不太會聽我的話。」

好吧，親愛的柯太太，這並不奇怪，因為也沒有其他人會聽妳的話。

然後，一個穿著鮮橘色長褲看起來像是剛從建築工地趕來的男人，不甘示弱問了最精彩的一句：「我想問一下你們真的有時間約會嗎？有時間約會出去玩嗎？」此時人群中一片靜默，敬畏地期待著接下來可能驚天動地的答案。

「我們兩個在當住院醫師的時候，我值班她來看我，她值班我去看她。。。順便幫她看她的病人。。。她來外科病房，她也是需要處理的幫忙處理。」

市長令人震驚地承認了他們是在櫃子裡擺著便盆的病房中秘密幽會的情侶。

粉撲、跳跳虎和鮮橘色褲子覺得他們中了樂透：「哈哈哈哈，」三人齊聲哈哈大笑並且掃視人群，好像很希望台下的群眾也看到有趣的一面，並加入他們一起歡笑。

我從來都不覺得柯太太特別有自知之明，但到了這個階段就連她似乎也察覺到事情有些尷尬。但是這三個小丑是無情的，市長的幕僚似乎也不在乎台上上演火車對撞。

粉撲顯然認為她被搶了風頭，於是加碼發問：「現在台北有12個花季，要不要找個時間約一下市長看花？妳有最想要看到哪一個嗎？」

這時候柯太太已經受夠了。「應該他有空的時候吧，」她輕快地回答。

粉撲轉向市長：「那你有空嗎？她在揪你呢。」

和他的妻子一樣，市長此時的回答幾乎進入單音節了：「我會想辦法，盡力啦。」

粉撲、跳跳虎和鮮橘色褲子繼續齊聲大笑：「哈哈哈。」

我只能猜測市長的幕僚把老闆可恥的命運放在來自地獄的白痴主持人手中之後，應該在某個酒吧狂歡跨年。

不過往好處想，至少他們以犧牲市長的代價，讓我們以開懷大笑展開新的一年。

Tinkerty Tonk…掰掰！

Oops another Bird-Brained Brain Fart

 I see Mr Wannabe is gibbering inanely again. The arrogance and ridiculous peacock-like strutting of these plastic politicians is hilarious to watch. They are too thick to realise that by spouting such nonsense they only succeed in making themselves look ridiculous, and a laughing stock. 

First, his bird-sized brain can’t seem to work out the entire referendum was invalid. He really needs to look this word up, but just for him it means…. not correct or provable or not legally recognized. It was an abject failure by those who set the referendum in motion in the first place.

Second, and this is the really worrying bit, he does not seem to understand that referendums, or any vote, can be close. He is implying that if the vote had been valid only a couple of cities would have swung the vote. 

I guess it may come as a bit of a surprise to him that this is how democracy works, and referendum in particular. He clearly does not seem to understand how voting, politics or democracy works. 

Results can be close and small areas and small numbers of people can affect the whole country. A five year old could understand this. If he bothered to look at democracies abroad from time to time he would know this. But it seems he does not look at the global news too much.  

More mind-blowing is him saying those who voted in certain parts of the country didn’t understand the issues but only listened to the government. The towering arrogance of such a statement rocks me back on my heels.

With a brain which is clearly the size of a walnut, he has the temerity to publicly announce 'don't listen to them, listen to me….because I know better.’

It would be sad if it were not so funny. Ten out ten for giving us all a good laugh today. Zero out of ten if you really thought this was somehow a smart thing to say out-loud.

Still, do please keep it up. The more dim-witted, inane, insulting and just plain stupid statements you make will serve to keep you a million miles from any political power you so seem to so desperately crave. 

Please never, ever actually engage your brain. We all need a good laugh from time to time and you need to be kept far, far away from mainstream politics. 

Tinkerty Tonk… 

今天我看到 Mr Wannabe 肖想先生又在瘋狂地胡言亂語了。

傲慢的塑膠政客自以為是孔雀開屏般昂首闊步實在荒謬。為什麼說是塑膠政客？因為這種人根本不是真的政治人物，而且他們笨到不知道胡說八道只會讓自己成為笑柄。

首先他那跟小鳥所差無幾的腦袋規模，似乎無法理解四個公投沒有通過就是無效。他真的應該查查無效是什麼意思，對他來說，這似乎意味著不正確，無法證明或未被法律承認，但事實上無效只代表那些啟動公投的人徹底失敗了。

其次真正令人擔憂的一點，就是他似乎不明白公投或任何選舉的勝敗結果，都可能非常接近。從他對高雄反萊豬不同意票數的發言看來，他認為只要一兩個城市就可以改變結果。是的這沒有錯，所以他為什麼感到驚訝？

我猜他有點驚訝這就是民主，特別是公投，是因為他顯然不明白投票、政治或民主是如何運作。

選舉勝負可能只有分毫之差，因此小選區或是少數人就可能影響整個國家的走向，一個五歲的孩子都明白這一點。如果他偶爾去看看國外的民主，他也會知道這一點，不過也許他不太看國際新聞。

更令人震驚的是，他說在台灣南部選民不看公投內容，只聽政黨的話投票。這種無以倫比的傲慢讓我驚訝到下巴都要掉下來了，明明有只有胡桃般大小的腦袋，哪來的自信：不要聽他們的，聽我的，我比較懂！

若不是因為好笑， Mr Wannabe 這個情況其實很悲哀。在成為笑料方面他是滿分，但如果認為大聲自曝其短是一件很聰明的事情，只能給零分。

不過 Mr Wannabe 還是請你繼續保持下去，因為任何更愚蠢、更空洞、更侮辱人的言論，都將使你遠離你朝思暮想的政治職位一百萬英里。

請永遠，永遠不要讓你的大腦動起來。我們需要你三不五時讓我們開懷大笑，而你也需要遠離主流政治。

Tinkerty Tonk… 掰掰。

Referendum hangover (中文版)

 

Referendum hangover (English version)

Caution - Children crossing

It’s embarrassing enough when small children throw tantrums, when adults do it it’s acutely uncomfortable, when political parties do it it’s time to go and hide behind the sofa so you don’t have to witness people demean themselves to the level of toddlers whose favourite toy has fallen out of their pram. 

Top contender in today’s ‘let’s go and hide behind the sofa’ stakes is, yes, you guessed it, that soft-brained, high-waistband, multiple university entrance exam taker and self acclaimed genius…the Taipei Mayor. 

I’m sorry, but his signoff message today is just ridiculous. I can think of only two excuses for writing something so mindbogglingly stupid. 1) He was dog-tired and worn out from staying up late wringing his hands and stressing out because he was part of a plan that utterly and miserably failed, and that he was involved. 2) It was written by one of his simple-minded minions because he ordered it up before falling asleep in his chair. 

First he says referendums are a “manifestation of direct democracy.” But magically this one was different because the government acted like any government and defended its position.

How naive do you have to be to think if you attack someone they will not do everything they can to defend themselves. He talks about the government “seizing power.” I guess it has escaped his marshmallow-like intellect that, er, the government has already seized power. 

He points out the DPP spent 58 million of their own party funds to defend their position. So what? They felt deeply enough about the national interest to defend their position and they won. How is this unfair? In the fullness of time we will learn what the KMT spent, it will be interesting to compare the figures. Laughably he says the government has lost credibility. That, truly, is the rantings of someone deeply out of touch with reality. 

Much of his raving is his usual nonsense, but I do agree with him on some issues. 

He opines “most voters are disgusted with this referendum.” He is dead right there. Most voters are disgusted that the opposition parties forced these ridiculously small issues to a referendum and initiated the huge waste of time and effort in the first place. Remember who set all this in motion Mr Mayor, not the government, but the opposition.

He also pointed out the referendums did not cross the threshold and said that reflected the wisdom of the people. Quite right, they knew this was all a waste of time and money and didn’t bother to vote because they saw it as the opposition simply playing political games in a pathetic attempt to get one over on the government. 

He also says it is the “responsibility of the central government” to deal with these issues. Er, Mr Mayor, they were. It was the ridiculous games of the equally ridiculous opposition parties which created all this nonsense. As you know I’m against referendums because they detract from democracy, not aid it. Saturday’s nonsense is a good example of why they don’t work. 

He also says quite rightly that “Taiwan must join CPTPP and various international organizations as soon as possible, and renewable energy must make up for the electricity gap!”

Good heavens, so many things I agree with the Taipei Mayor on…I think I need to go and have a lie down. 

Tinkerty Tonk…  

The Referendum Rumble

 A huge disappointment for fight fans across Taiwan today as the heavyweight battle between the titleholder DPP and the challenger KMT - The Referendum Rumble - ended with the contender unable to even land a glove on the reigning champion. 

Weeks of intensive training by the protagonists came to nothing with the challenge by the KMT shown to be weak and desperate. To be fair to the opposition, they were always on the back foot given the rather pathetic nature of the challenge in the form of four questions about which the electorate clearly thought didn’t matter very much. 

The downside for the DPP was always limited as they won a presidential election less than two years ago, and have years in office left. The KMT are desperate to inflict some kind of political damage but they are not choosing their battles wisely and would do well to stockpile some ammunition for future scuffles closer to the next election. 

While a defeat for the DPP on Saturday would not have done too much long term political damage, the injury to the opposition credibility is substantial. They really have given this latest political slugfest a huge amount of effort and very publicly pinned their hopes on it, only for the electorate to open one sleepy eye on Saturday morning and decide that the issues were not even worth getting out of bed for. By any measure, this was a humiliation. 

The result, or rather lack of it, represents a spectacular political mis-calculation by the opposition, and is a cringeworthy demonstration of just how out of touch they are with the electorate and the issues people find important. Political parties being out of touch with the electorate happens everywhere in the world on a regular basis, it is by no means unusual.

Parties with long periods in power think they know the electorate well, the irony being is that even when they lose, they still believe they are the real ‘party of the people’ and the fact they were voted out will only be a short-term aberration. This applies to the KMT.

The excuses are now coming thick and fast. On the TV someone just said it was because 80-90 percent of the Taiwan press supports the DPP! WHAT? Someone else blamed the low turnout on the weather - a very old chestnut indeed. Another pro-KMT commentator blamed Wang Leehom and the fact he and his wife kept everyone awake all night with their tale of woe, so people were too tired to go out and vote. 

They really should shut up and salvage at least some of their dignity. Making up such excuses is just sad and they need to concentrate their efforts on learning a lesson, regrouping and becoming the effective opposition that every democracy deserves. They really are letting down the electorate and furtherance of Taiwan's democracy by acting like school-kids who have not done their homework.

There is a well-worn phrase that has been used in over 20 movies since Sean Connery first used it in the The Untouchables (1987). It has since become idiomatic. 

We can now adapt it for the opposition in Taiwan - 'Isn’t that just like the KMT, to bring a knife to a gunfight.' 

Tinkerty Tonk…  

《 公投拳擊賽》

今天期待精彩拳擊賽的台灣人恐怕非常失望，因為冠軍保持者 DPP 和挑戰者 KMT 之間的重量級比賽，一如70年代的拳王賽一樣賽前雙方聲勢驚天動地，但結局卻是挑戰者甚至連一拳也沒有打中衛冕的冠軍。

過去幾個星期來挑戰方的高強度訓練最後是一場空，這讓 KMT 的挑戰顯得無力而且絕望。不過老實說，反對陣營似乎總是力不從心，因為他們每每提出的挑戰總是相當可悲，例如這個回合選民顯然認為公投的四個問題，並沒有重要到讓他們去投票呼應。

DPP 的劣勢是有限的，因為不到兩年前他們才贏得總統大選，而且還有數年的任期。KMT 不顧一切地想造成某種政治損害，但他們沒有明智地選擇戰場，也沒有為下次選舉備好彈藥。

我認為即使 DPP 在週六的公投中失敗，也不至於造成太大的長期傷害，但反對黨的失敗，對他們信譽的損害卻是巨大的。他們真的為這場最新的政治鬥爭付出了巨大的努力，並非常公開地寄予厚望，結果選民在週六早上只睜開了一隻睡眼，認為這些問題甚至不值得起床。不管從哪個層面看來，這都是反對黨的恥辱。

公投結果代表了反對黨在政治上的嚴重錯誤估計，並且令人尷尬地證明了他們與選民脫節，也不知道什麼議題對人們來說是重要的。不過政黨與選民脫節在世界各地皆然，台灣的情況絕非罕見。

長期執政的政黨自以為很了解選民，諷刺的是即使輸了，他們仍然認為自己是真正的“人民黨”，認為他們被選民否決的事實只是短期的異常現象。這適用於KMT。

現在藉口越來越多了，今天電視上有人說反對黨失敗的原因是因為台灣有80-90%的媒體支持 DPP，什麼？也有人將低投票率歸咎於天氣，這個老掉牙的理由一點也不好笑。另一位親 KMT 的評論者怪罪王力宏，因為他和他的妻子用他們的悲慘故事讓所有人徹夜難眠，所以人們太累了，隔天不想出去投票。

他們真的應該閉嘴，這樣至少可以挽回一些尊嚴。編造這樣的藉口是可悲的，他們需要集中精神吸取教訓，自我檢討改革來成為每個民主國家應有的有效反對黨。 然而他們卻表現得像沒有做功課的小學生，實在是辜負了選民和台灣民主的進步。

有一句經典台詞在20多部電影裡不斷被用到，首次出現在去年才過世的蘇格蘭演員史恩康納萊主演的電影 The Untouchables (1987) 裡：Brings a knife to a gunfight.

我們現在可以把它改編成台灣的反對黨：這不就像 KMT 一樣，帶了一把刀去加入槍戰。

Tinkerty Tonk… 掰掰。