As midnight rolled around the world, fireworks lit-up the sky and people rang in what will hopefully be a better year, I guess it was up to someone to provide a little light relief from the somewhat depressing thoughts of the two years just past.
Enter the Taipei Mayor, never backwards in coming forward, and always ready to provide some slapstick comedy, he took to the stage outside City Hall before being totally upstaged by the fireworks. As socially awkward as ever, he mumbled his way through a few lines to inform the crowd how great a job he did with the pandemic, although he had the good grace to thank hospitals, medical staff and the public for their help and cooperation.
A clean and neutral few words to a crowd who was keen to get on with things and celebrate and not listen to boring politicians. So far, so good.
Given his wacky and entertaining performances in the past, I’m sure many in the crowd felt a twinge of disappointment that this little appearance seemed not to be descending in chaos and farce. However, their faith was quickly restored when the real comedy highlight of the evening arrived in the form of three flanking presenters who then chimed in.
His minders should really have immediately stepped in then to prevent the ensuing carnage, but as usual they abandoned the hapless Mayor to his embarrassing and hilarious fate, with what was probably the best example of nauseating sycophancy I’ve witnessed in many a long year.
One dressed like a powder-puff, and the other dressed like Tigger from Winnie the Pooh then made mincemeat of the unlucky Mayor with questions that would have embarrassed a group of seven-year-olds playing a pretend game of Blind Date.
“We still have a little bit of time. Can we ask some more intimate questions?” gushed Tigger.
To his credit Ko looked embarrassed and stared at the ground looking for all the world like he was wishing it would crack open and swallow him up. “Absolutely no, haha,” he replied. To my mind this was absolutely the right answer.
Powder Puff, keen for her moment in the sun clearly did not hear Mr Mayor’s reply, or just ignored it. Turning to Mrs Ko she asked…”Do you have complaints? Do you feel tired?” Now I’m sure Puff prepared for ages for this performance and in coming up with this question you can only assume she wanted to know if her feet didn’t ache from all this standing around on a cold night or she was tired of being asked dumb questions by a woman dressed like candy floss.
No stranger to asking daft questions herself, Mrs Ko exclusively revealed..”Maybe. When I'm very tired I will complain a little.” An astounding revelation we would all agree, I’m sure. But she couldn’t help herself with a little bit of politicking..”But I will forget about it soon and will continue to support him.” This was more like the cutting edge political debate the crowd had come to hear.
“I will pay attention to his daily activities and hope he will rest more,” she insightfully added. “But he usually doesn't listen to me.” Well no surprise there dear Mrs Ko, because no one else does.
Then, not to be outdone, a gormless looking guy in bright orange trousers looking like he’d just arrived from a building site chipped in with a real blockbuster…”I'd like to know if you two have time for a date. Do you go out for dates?”
The crowd fell silent in awed anticipation of the possibly earth-shattering answer. “Er, when we were both doctors, she came to visit me when I was on duty. I visited her when she was on duty. I also helped her to see her patients and she helped me,” came the shocking admission from Ko of covert lovers’ trysts among the bed-pans in the sluice cupboard.
Powder puff, Tigger and Orange Pants knew they had struck gold. “HAHAHAHA,” the chorused as all three scanned the crowd as if willing the assembled masses to see the funny side and join in the hilarity.
I’ve never thought of Ko’s wife as being particularly self-aware, but at this stage even she seemed to have noticed that this was not going well. But the three clowns were relentless and the Mayor’s minders seemed content to let the train-wreck play itself out.
Powder Puff clearly thought she was being upstaged at this point and came back with a zinger. “Now, there are 12 flower festivals in Taipei. Would you ask the mayor to go and see the flowers with you? Which one do you want to see?
By this time, Mrs Ko had had enough. “When he's free.” she briskly replied.
Powder Puff to Mr Mayor…”Will you be free? She's asking for a date.”
Like his wife, Mayor Ko by this time had become almost monosyllabic in his replies…”I will try to be available. I will try my best.”
Powder puff, Tigger and Orange Pants ….“HAHAHAHA.”
I can only guess the Mayor’s advisory team were in a bar somewhere drowning their sorrows, having abandoned their boss to his ignominious fate at the hands of the idiot presenters from hell.
At least they allowed the rest of us to get the New Year off to an excellent start with a good laugh at his expense.
Tinkerty Tonk…
《新年脫口秀》
當跨年午夜輪流在世界各地啟動時，煙火照亮了天空，人們期待新的一年會比去年更好，我想應該有人出來舒緩一下過去兩年的沮喪。
於是台北市長上場了，可以出風頭時他從不退縮，隨時準備來點鬧劇：在壓軸施放煙火前，他和他的太太走上市政府外的舞台。一如既往他在公開場合顯得格格不入，咕噥著想告訴人們他在疫情中的表現，儘管他表示很感激醫院、醫護人員和民眾的合作。
對等著慶祝跨年而不想聽無聊政客說話的人群來說，這算是乾淨而中性的幾句話，到目前為止都還好。
鑑於他過去在公開場合古怪而有趣的表現，我相信在場的許多人都感到一陣失望，因為這個小小的致辭似乎沒有演變為混亂和鬧劇。令人意外的是今晚的喜劇亮點，以三位主持人的形式出現，讓人們重拾鬧劇演出的信心。
市長的幕僚真的應該立即介入以防止隨後發生的悲劇，但像往常一樣，他們拋棄了不幸的市長，讓他在舞台上陷入尷尬可笑，這可能是我一年來目睹諂媚到令人作嘔的最好例子。
這幾個主持人一個穿得像粉撲，還有一個穿得像小熊維尼的跳跳虎，他們把倒霉的市長攤在眾人面前切碎，他們提出的問題甚至會讓一群玩我愛紅娘的七歲孩子感到尷尬。
「今天還有一點小小的時間，我們可不可以問一些比較私密的話？」跳跳虎這麼問。值得稱讚的是，市長似乎看起來有點尷尬，盯著地上想要找到整個世界，好像希望地面會裂開把他吞下去一樣。
「千萬不要，哈哈，」他如此回答。在我看來，這絕對是正確的答案。
熱衷於曬太陽的跳跳虎顯然沒有聽到市長先生的回答，或者只是置之不理。他轉柯太太：「您到底有沒有怨言？」「會不會累？」
我相信跳跳虎一定為這場表演準備了很長時間，在提出這個問題時，你只能假設他想知道她是否在寒冷的夜晚站到腳酸，或者她是否厭倦了一個打扮成老虎的男人向她提出愚蠢的問題。
然而柯太太本人對提出蠢問題一事並不陌生，她獨家透露：「或許吧，很累的時候，我會抱怨一兩句。」這真是個驚人的發現，我敢肯定我們都會同意！
她到底還是忍不住政治化一下：「不過我很快就會忘了，又會恢復到我以前支持他的態度。」人們聚集在廣場跨年，好像是為了聽這麼精闢的發言。
「我會注意他的身體健康，當然有時候也會約束他的日常作息，希望他能夠多休息，」柯太太在此補充了更多細節。「不過他通常不太會聽我的話。」
好吧，親愛的柯太太，這並不奇怪，因為也沒有其他人會聽妳的話。
然後，一個穿著鮮橘色長褲看起來像是剛從建築工地趕來的男人，不甘示弱問了最精彩的一句：「我想問一下你們真的有時間約會嗎？有時間約會出去玩嗎？」此時人群中一片靜默，敬畏地期待著接下來可能驚天動地的答案。
「我們兩個在當住院醫師的時候，我值班她來看我，她值班我去看她。。。順便幫她看她的病人。。。她來外科病房，她也是需要處理的幫忙處理。」
市長令人震驚地承認了他們是在櫃子裡擺著便盆的病房中秘密幽會的情侶。
粉撲、跳跳虎和鮮橘色褲子覺得他們中了樂透：「哈哈哈哈，」三人齊聲哈哈大笑並且掃視人群，好像很希望台下的群眾也看到有趣的一面，並加入他們一起歡笑。
我從來都不覺得柯太太特別有自知之明，但到了這個階段就連她似乎也察覺到事情有些尷尬。但是這三個小丑是無情的，市長的幕僚似乎也不在乎台上上演火車對撞。
粉撲顯然認為她被搶了風頭，於是加碼發問：「現在台北有12個花季，要不要找個時間約一下市長看花？妳有最想要看到哪一個嗎？」
這時候柯太太已經受夠了。「應該他有空的時候吧，」她輕快地回答。
粉撲轉向市長：「那你有空嗎？她在揪你呢。」
和他的妻子一樣，市長此時的回答幾乎進入單音節了：「我會想辦法，盡力啦。」
粉撲、跳跳虎和鮮橘色褲子繼續齊聲大笑：「哈哈哈。」
我只能猜測市長的幕僚把老闆可恥的命運放在來自地獄的白痴主持人手中之後，應該在某個酒吧狂歡跨年。
不過往好處想，至少他們以犧牲市長的代價，讓我們以開懷大笑展開新的一年。
Tinkerty Tonk…掰掰！
