(中文在下方)
Since I retired from full-time employment and a job which meant I had to be on call 24/7, I have been extremely happy not to have to carry a mobile. In fact, I delight in the fact I never quite know where my phone is, although if I can’t find it I know it will most likely be somewhere at home… because I rarely carry it when I go out.
My divorce from the cell-network was extremely amicable and I have enjoyed the single life since. I am a mobile-free zone, a mobile-less man, I am mobile unfettered.
However, all that changed during our second and third stints of the 7-7-7 quarantine period and almost as soon as we got back to the flat from the hotel, the phone rang.
“Hello, I am the police,” said the nice lady on the other end. I thought the phrasing could have been better as it sounded like the kind of threat that would be shouted at you through a megaphone if you had just robbed a bank and were holed-up, gun-drawn, at a local Seven-11.
“English or Chinese,” she demanded. She had a delightful sing-song voice which made her phrasing all the more sinister. Like the psychotic villain who slowly turns to make eye-contact and quietly says “Ah, Mr Bond, we have been expecting you.”
“How do you feel? Are you comfortable?” She inquired. I was by this time beginning to get the hang of the tone of the conversation and assured her I was ‘comfortable’ and we had arrived safely from the hotel.
“OK, tomorrow…I call”, she said and put the phone down.
Barely minutes later my SMS beeped into life, the close scrutiny of our health had begun.
The message asked me to reply…
1 if everything was normal. (As far as anything in my life can be classed as ‘normal’ I thought.)
2 if I had a sore throat, runny nose, cough, difficulty breathing, abnormal smell and taste and diarrhoea. (Good Lord, I thought, if I had that lot I’d likely not be in any fit state to pick up the phone, let alone reply.)
3 was reserved for mysterious “other symptoms”. I was toying with the idea of replying 3 and telling them my ‘other symptom’ was going out of my mind because I’d been locked up for two weeks, but I guessed that wasn’t the kind of symptom they were talking about.
So I replied with a 1 and put the phone down. Two minutes later Beep Beep! A message saying thank you for the message. OK fine. A short while later the phone rang with a recorded message asking me to press 1 if everything was normal, 2 if etc etc. OK I thought, I can relax now and go back into my normal mode of keeping away from the phone.
It was not to be…a couple of hours later Beep Beep! This message told me I had left the flat and was in Tamsui followed by a call ten minutes later from, yep, the Cops. We assured them we were at home and eventually found out that because we are close to the river the mobile sometimes switched to another mast and the GPS registered the phone had moved.
This continued throughout our confinement with around six messages arriving daily telling us we were in Tamsui. The Cops, perhaps not trusting us, called round on a couple of occasions to check. One of them advised us to buy a new mobile phone as the signal switch was likely happening because the phone was old. But how do we do that if we can’t go out? We asked, not unreasonably. He advised getting a friend to do it for us. We pointed out we had two days of quarantine left so there didn’t seem much point.
The penultimate day arrived and a plague taxi came to take us to Tamsui, this time for real, for the final PCR test. Various messages arrived afterwards saying all was clear but not to go out until midnight the following day.
The final seven days of the 7-7-7- were punctuated with the 1-2-3 messages until the final lateral flow test and the end of the entire process.
So I’m back to normal and keeping as far away from my mobile phone as possible, although I do miss all the attention. Particularly the sing-song lady Cop and her somewhat sinister threats…I wonder what she’s like in real life?
Tinkerty Tonk…
自從我從 24/7 全天候待命的記者工作退休以來，我很高興不必隨身攜帶手機。事實上我非常高興退休後我永遠不知道手機在哪裡，不過如果我找不到，我還是知道它很可能在家裡的某個角落，因為我出去的時候通常也不帶手機。
我與手機離婚的過程很順利也很友好，之後我過著沒有手機的單身生活，我處於無手機的淨區，我是不受手機影響的人！
然而在抵達台灣 7＋7＋7 隔離期間，這一切開始發生變化，差不多是我們從隔離旅館回到家中的那一瞬間，電話就響了。
「你好，我是警察，」電話那頭是一位聽起來很友善的女士，不過我認為措辭可能可以再調整一些，因為那聽起來像是一種威脅。就像是你剛剛搶劫了一家銀行，並且持槍佔據當地的 7-11，警察就會在外面通過擴音器向你如此喊話。
「英文或中文？」電話那頭這麼問道。這位女士的聲音悅耳動聽，但卻讓問話顯得更加陰險。就像007電影裡慢慢轉身的變態惡棍一樣，在與你眼神交會的那一剎那他低聲說：「啊，龐德先生，我們一直在等你。」
「你感覺如何？ 一切都沒問題吧？」 她繼續問。這時候我已經開始掌握談話的氣氛了，並向她保證我很好，我們已經從隔離旅館安全抵達住家。「好吧，明天……我打電話，」她說完就掛電話。
不過是幾分鐘後，我的手機簡訊就響了，密切關心我們健康狀況的一週從此展開。
簡訊如下我必須選擇一項來回覆。
指揮中心關懷您自主健康管理身體狀況，一切正常，請回1，有發燒、喉嚨痛、流鼻水、咳嗽、呼吸困難、嗅味覺異常、腹瀉，請回2，其他症狀請回3。
1 如果一切正常。(就我生活中的任何事情都可以歸類為“正常”，我想。)
2 如果我發燒、喉嚨痛、流鼻水、咳嗽、呼吸困難、嗅味覺異常、腹瀉。(天哪，我想如果我有那麼多症狀，我可能無法檢查電話，更不用說回覆了。）
3 是神秘的「其他症狀」。其實我想回覆3 並告訴他們我的「其他症狀」是我快瘋了，因為我已經被關了一星期，但我猜這不是他們所說的那種症狀。
總之仔細讀完考慮後我按下1，然後把手機放在一邊。嗶嗶！指揮中心的感謝來了：謝謝您的配合，若有任何問題請撥打1922專線，指揮中心關心您。
很好！
不久之後手機又響了，這次是個錄音，要求我按 1 如果一切正常，如果是這樣那樣就按 2 等等。好吧我想，按完這個我現在可以放鬆一下，回到遠離電話的正常模式。
不是！幾個小時後嗶嗶！這次簡訊告訴我，我已經離開住處並在人在八里對面的淡水。幾分鐘後，是的，幾分鐘後警察打電話來了。我向警察保證我在家，最後他們發現因為我們的住處就在淡水河畔，手機定位有時會切換到另一個基地台，因此 GPS 記錄顯示我已經離開住處。
這種情況在我們第二個七天監禁期間一直持續，每天大約有六條簡訊告訴我們我們在淡水。也許因為不能完全信任我，警察每天都要打幾次電話來檢查。其中一位甚至登門拜訪還建議我購買一部新手機。因為我的手機很舊了，他認為這可能是問題。
但是如果我們不能出去，該怎麼做呢？我提出這個合理的問題。警察建議讓我們通知一個朋友去買手機送過來。我指出我們只剩幾天的隔離期，為此買新手機似乎沒有什麼意義。
倒數終於到了，一輛瘟疫計程車來接我們到淡水的一家醫院。這次是真的，我們進行最後一次的 PCR。結束之後我們收到各種簡訊，說一切都很清楚沒問題，但還是要等到第二天午夜之後才能出門。
至於7＋7＋7的最後 7 天，還是有不間斷的請回覆 1-2-3 簡訊點綴其間，直到最後一天回報快篩結果，整個過程才完全結束。
所以現在我的生活恢復了正常，也就是儘可能遠離手機，不過說真的我有點懷念那段時間感受到的關心和注意。特別是那位聲音悅耳的警察女士和她有點嚇人的我是警察的威脅……我想知道她在現實生活中是什麼樣？
Tinkerty Tonk…掰掰。
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