Doctors as political leaders

(中文在下方)

Question - What’s the difference between a doctor and a lawyer? 

Answer - A doctor can bury their mistakes, a lawyer leaves them hanging around in the air for everyone to see.

This old joke refers back to the days when hanging was still a penalty for capital crime. 

It jokingly highlights there are major differences between doctors and lawyers and their successes, or failures, which in an odd way may go some way to explaining that while both professions are represented in the field of political leadership, doctors have seldom made the best candidates. 

The National Library of Medicine in Washington DC contains a biographical analysis of medical doctors as the state presidents and prime ministers, which found just 29 examples.

It is not inspiring reading. The paper says “most of them ruled in countries with fresh or unstable democracies, most often in Asia, Africa and Latin America, three of them were bloody dictators.” It goes on to say that with the exception of Georges Clemenceau, twice Prime Minister of France and Sun-Yat-Sen, the Founding Father of the Republic of China, they were not famous as historical figures. Although it does name four which it describes as “good administrators”.

On the other hand, few professions are as well-represented in global leadership as lawyers. Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin, Mahatma Gandhi, Fidel Castro, Nelson Mandela, Bill Clinton, Franklin D Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln to name but a few. Administrations who report up to country leaders are similarly stuffed full of lawyers in almost every country you look at, even if their leaders are not lawyers themselves.

The reason is fairly obvious. Lawyers are good at persuasion, have to work constantly to understand problems from clients from all walks of life, and of course, understand legislation. They are generally good at public speaking and have keen analytical skills across a broad range of subjects they develop when at law school.

Doctors, on the other hand, have little, or any of this background or skills. To be brutally frank they are often dealing with people in trauma, delirious or unconscious on the operating table most of the time. Which brings me to the main point of this little article. 

Yes, you guessed it, Doctor Dismal the Taipei Mayor and his equally dull wife, whose behaviour seems to bear out all of the facts above. 

I said a while ago I would not write anything about Mayor Ko unless he, or his wife, did anything spectacularly ill-judged or stupid, but I have to rate recent developments a 5, the worst mark on my Squirrel Scale.

Mrs Mayor says she is beset by controversy because her husband compared an unlicensed doctor to the recently developed Medigen vaccine, and this coming from a surgeon, not an epidemiologist. I think I’d rather trust the ranks of epidemiologists involved in developing Medigen than the word of someone with little or no expertise in the field.

She is advising the public not to trust this vaccine from the standpoint of a non-expert in vaccines and that, to my mind, is outrageous behavior for a responsible doctor. In fact, just as outrageous as someone who pretends to be a doctor, which as her husband rightly points out is illegal. Pretending to be an epidemiologist is morally just as bad as pretending to be a doctor, although not strictly speaking illegal. 

Why is she doing this? I think not because she ‘cares’ about the public’s health. Given her statements are coupled with thinly veiled accusations that the government is pushing Medigen because they all have shares in the company is an obvious smear campaign and clearly politically motivated.

The fact she has said in the past “I have hatred in my heart for the rest of my life” apparently directed at President Tsai, seems to pretty much prove the point. 

She also seems surprised that as an aspiring president, her husband is under attack from his political rivals. Well I hate to break it to you dear but that is what happens in politics. Or do you think that somehow he should be immune to the cut and thrust of the real political world? 

For her own part she really needs to shut up if she doesn’t want to keep getting personally attacked for her inane outpourings and Facebook antics. Look around the world dear lady and find another politician's wife who does what you do. Just stop typing and concentrate on the children you are taking care of, it’s easy to do and probably the best thing to do.

Maybe she truly believes Mayor Ko is the reincarnation of Sun-Yat-Sen and she is duty-bound to do what she can to aid his divine mission towards his ultimate goal and a solid place in the history books. 

Who knows, in a hundred years maybe the history books will publish her salmon recipes and there will be guided tours of their flat, by which time it will be designated as a national monument…..Er.

Tinkerty Tonk…

問：醫生和律師有什麼區別？答：當犯錯時，醫生的錯誤會和倒霉鬼一起入土為安，律師的錯誤卻會把人送上絞刑台，每個人都看得到。

這個古老的笑話指的是絞刑仍然存在的年代，它說明了這兩個職業的差別，或是他們成功或失敗的差別。在某種程度上這也解釋了雖然這兩個職業在政治領域都有代表人物，但醫生很少是最佳領袖人選。

華盛頓特區的國家醫學圖書館有一個關於醫生成為總統和總理的醫分析報告，其中僅發現了 29 個例子。

其實這個報告一點都不有趣，裡面寫道：這29人多數統治新興或是不穩定的民主國家，而在亞洲、非洲和拉丁美洲最多，其中三​​位是血腥的獨裁者。報告裡還說除了曾任兩次法國總理的克列孟梭和中華民國開國元勳孫中山之外，他們在歷史上的名氣並不大。這29人中有四位在報告裡被描述為優秀的管理者。

另一方面，很少有職業能像律師那樣在國際領袖中佔有一席之地，隨便提幾個就有歐巴馬，普京，甘地，卡斯楚，曼德拉，克林頓，羅斯福和林肯。在你所看到的幾乎任何國家中，向這些領導者報告的政府裡也一樣塞滿了律師。

原因是顯而易見的，律師善於勸說，要不斷地從各行各業的委託人那裡了解問題，當然還要了解立法。他們通常擅長公開演講，並且在法學院廣泛學科中訓練出敏銳的分析能力。

反觀醫生，他們幾乎少有這種背景或技能。坦率地說，他們經常在手術台上與處於創傷、精神錯亂或失去知覺的人打交道，這就是我寫這篇短文的主因。是的，你猜對了，不太聰明的台北醫生市長和他同樣呆板無趣的醫生妻子，他們的行為似乎印證了上述所有事實。

不久前我說過我不會再寫任何關於柯市長的文章，除非他或他的妻子嚴重判斷錯誤或做了愚蠢的事情，但我必須將最近的事態發展評為 5，這是我松鼠量表上最差的分數。

最近市長夫人說她因為某個爭議飽受困擾，因為她的丈夫將密醫與國產高端疫苗類比。這個說法來自外科醫生，而不是流行病學家。我想我會相信參與開發高端的流行病學專家，不會相信在該領域幾乎沒有專業知識者的隻字片語。

她從非疫苗專家的角度建議民眾不要相信這個疫苗，在我看來，對於負責任的醫生來說這是令人髮指的行為。事實上，就像冒充醫生的人一樣令人髮指，正如她的丈夫正確指出密醫是非法的。冒充流行病學家在道德上與冒充醫生一樣糟糕，儘管嚴格來說並不違法。

她為什麼要這樣做？我不認為是因為她“關心”公眾的健康，理由是基於她過去的發言加上隱晦的暗示，就是政府支持高端疫苗是因為他們擁有該公司的股份，這是一場明顯的抹黑運動，並且明顯具有政治動機。

她過去說過心中的恨意永生難忘，眾所周知是針對蔡總統的，這幾乎可以證明我的看法。

她似乎也很驚訝，她的丈夫因為有當總統的抱負，正受到政治對手的攻擊。好吧親愛的，雖然我不想告訴您實情，但這就是政治。或者您認為無論如何，他就是應該在廝殺刀刀見骨的殘酷政治世界中免疫？

就她自己而言，如果她不想因為她的愚蠢傾訴和在臉書上的滑稽表現而接連受到攻擊，她真的需要閉嘴。

環顧世界，親愛的女士，看看您是不是能找到另一個政治人物的配偶跟您在做同樣的事。您只需停止打字，並專注於您在醫院裡照顧的孩子，這很容易做到，而且可能是最好的事情。

不過也許她真的相信柯市長是孫中山轉世，她有責任盡她所能去協助他完成神聖使命，實現他的最終目標，並且在歷史上留下不可動搖的一席之地。

誰知道呢，也許一百年後歷史書籍會出版她的鮭魚食譜，並且會有導遊帶領參觀他們的公寓，屆時或許將被指定為國定古蹟……..呃。

Tinkerty Tonk… 掰掰。

Welcome to Taiwan - Airport Covid Capers

(中文在下方)

Dog-tired and a little unsteady on our legs, we staggered up the airbridge from KL843 after a gruelling 24-hour long journey from France. We were nevertheless fully prepared for the final hurdle in our travel marathon - the Taoyuan Airport Covid checks.

Happy to be off a plane where the atmosphere had turned into something akin to that inside Tutankhamun’s tomb when they cracked the doors open, it was however something of a shock to be confronted by a phalanx of  airport officials and medics in full protective suits, gloved and masked, looking for all the world like astronauts. 

“I thought the ticket said Taipei, not the bloody Moonbase?” quipped one traveller, who just happened to be a fellow Brit. Yes, but at least the Air Miles are going to be pretty spectacular, I pointed out.

The spacemen settled us all in what usually serves as the gate departure lounge, which currently doubles as Covid testing centre for incoming flights, and the roll-call of the potentially-plagued began.

I have to say it was a little haphazard as the lady reading out the names was clearly struggling with the European name pronunciations and many of us, including myself, missed the announcement. But with typical Taiwanese practicality at the end she just said “Anyone else?” And all was well.

Then to a little indoor tent for the stick up the nose PCR test, only one nostril.

All these Covid tests seem to be different, I guess it depends on the manufacturer. In Europe the tests we did were done in different ways, throat and nose, nose only, five turns of the swab, 10 turns of the swab. I noticed the Antigen tests we had in Europe were made in China but I’m assuming at Taoyuan it would have been a homegrown test. 

I remember reading somewhere on a government site a while ago that Taiwan’s R&D facilities and manufacturers have enough capacity to develop rapid test reagents.  

Only then did the real stress set in. A room full of anxious travellers pacing up and down or, fidgeting in their seats like an accused in court awaiting the Jury’s verdict.

“Numbers one to 15 can leave,” came the first announcement to a sigh of relief as hopes rose that A) this might not take too long and B) if it was all big chunks of people like that, the chances are I’m OK. 

Then came another announcement. “Number 27 and 63, please come to the desk.” I guess it was a little insensitive of me to blurt out a little loudly the dramatic pause movie sound effect DUN DUN DUUUN, although I was rewarded with a ripple of laughter to those around us who heard it. Not from J though, she told me off for maybe embarrassing the poor guys, which I guess was right. 

The whole process was extremely smooth and eventually our numbers were called and we left for the final checks you have to go through before you can get into a taxi to the quarantine hotel. On our flight, as far as I could tell, only those two guys were queried over their PCR tests and it was a full plane, so around 250 people.

Finally to the taxi queue and luggage and personal spray-down by the taxi driver before being allowed in the cab.    

After a full-day's travelling we thankfully arrived at the quarantine hotel and our goody bag from the government, for which many thanks, and a welcome hot shower and sleep. 

Now to catch up on a lot of writing and binge watching movies during our enforced relaxation. 

Tinkerty Tonk…

 《 歡迎光臨：台灣機場防疫大戲》

從普羅旺斯出發，經過 24 小時的艱苦旅程，我們跟狗一樣累腿也有點不穩，終於踏上空橋搖搖晃晃離開荷航班機。儘管如此，我們還是為這趟旅行馬拉松的最後一道障礙做好了充分的準備 －桃園機場新冠肺炎檢查。

我很高興可以下飛機了，但機艙門打開時，氣氛頓時變成類似於身處古埃及法老圖坦卡蒙的陵墓內。其實這是有一點令人震驚的，因為迎接我們的是全副武裝戴著面具手套的機場醫護人員，說真的他們看起來和太空人沒有兩樣。

「我以為機票上寫的目的地是台北，而不是該死的月球基地？」同行一位旅客打趣地發出感言，他是英國人。「是啊，不過要是飛去月球至少里程數會非常壯觀！」同為英國人我當然也得接句話。

太空人部隊將我們安置在通常用作為候機室的地方，目前這個登機口兼作入境航班新冠病毒檢測中心，作業從潛在帶毒者的唱名開始。

我不得不說此時有點混亂，唱名的那位女士顯然因為歐洲名字的發音而苦苦掙扎，許多人包括我自己，都錯過了自己的名字沒有拿到號碼貼紙。但最後她採取典型的台灣務實態度宣布：「沒有叫到名字的請上前。」剩餘的歐洲人紛紛上前，如此一來就萬事OK了。

接著我們依序到一個小小的室內帳篷做鼻孔PCR檢測，只有戳一個鼻孔。各地的 Covid 測試似乎都不同，也許是取決於製造商。在歐洲快篩以不同的方式進行，可能是喉嚨加鼻子，也可能僅僅鼻子，檢測棉棒有時轉五圈，有時轉十圈。我注意到我們在歐洲用的快篩試劑都是中國製造，不過我猜在桃園機場的不是。

記得不久前我在某個政府網站上讀到，台灣的研發和製造商有足夠的能力開發快速檢測試劑。

等待結果時真正的壓力開始出現。滿屋子焦慮不安的旅客來回踱步，或者像法庭上的被告一樣在座位上坐立不安，等待陪審團的宣判。

「1 號到 15 號的旅客現在可以離開。」當第一個廣播宣布時，人們鬆了一口氣，希望 A）等待可能不會花很長時間，B）如果都是一大群一大群人沒事，那麼可能性就是我也會是沒事。

不久後又有個廣播：「27號和63號，請到前面櫃檯。」我想我太不敏感了，因為我有點大聲脫口而出戲劇性的停頓電影音效 DUN DUN DUNN，周圍的人聽到了報以一陣笑聲。不過這個笑聲不是來自我的太太，J 告訴我這可能會讓可憐的傢伙感到難堪，我想她是對的。

整個過程非常順利，終於我們的號碼被叫到了，可以離開了。通過最後的檢疫表格檢查，然後搭防疫計程車前往隔離旅館。據我所知，在我們的航班上，只有兩個人被詢問了他們的 PCR 測試，而這是一架幾乎坐滿的飛機，大約有 250 人。

最後，我們上計程車之前，司機對著我們的行李和全身上上下下噴灑消毒水，包括鞋底。

經過一整天的旅途勞頓，我們滿心感激地抵達隔離旅館，還收到一個政府送來的防疫大禮包，迎接我們的是熱水浴和一夜好眠。

現在在我們強制放鬆期間，可以趕一下寫作進度和不間斷看電影了。

Tinkerty Tonk… 掰掰。

 

Fair Play

(中文在下方)

The phrase ‘fair play’ is used a lot in Britain. It is instilled in most of us from our school days and basically means that one of your core values in life is to be fair to others, whoever, or whatever they may be. 

You don’t shoot a sitting duck, you don’t bully others, you play by the rules and you make allowances for weaknesses in others which they perhaps have no control over. 

To that end, as a native Brit, I have decided to stop ridiculing Mayor Ko on such a regular basis, unless he does something really stupid. To exert a degree of control over myself I have devised a scale of 1 to 5, and only something 3 or above will be commented on. 

1 = Normal forgivable stupidity which might happen to someone not paying attention.
2 = Ridiculous statements made off-the-cuff with clearly little forethought. 
3 = Blaming others for personal stupidity or inadequacies. Outright stupid statements. 
4 = Spectacularly moronic utterances or deeds which fly in the face of logic or rationality. 
5 = Anything that initially leaves people speechless as it appears so utterly inane.

I’m calling this the Squirrel Scale - a sort of political Richter Scale - and it will be quoted at the top of future stories regardless of which political party is involved.

So, in future Mayor Ko can rest assured I will not document his regular failures with such gusto as long as he keeps within the lower part of the Squirrel Scale guidelines. If he falls flat on his face while walking up some steps, there will be no mention, if he dresses poorly and has bad manners at an official function, there will be no words from me. 

If he talks about his run at the Presidency, it will be a 5 and I will be chiming in. 

Tinkerty Tonk…     

公平競爭 (fair play) 這個詞在英國被廣泛使用，我們從學生時代開始就不停被灌輸這個態度，基本上意思是生活中的核心價值之一就是對他人公平，無論他們是誰。

打獵時你不射擊靜止不動的鴨子，你不霸凌別人，你遵守規則，你會考慮到別人可能無法控制的弱點。

如上，作為一個土生土長的英國人，我決定停止如此經常地嘲笑柯市長，除非他做了一些非常愚蠢的事情。為了對自己施加一定程度的控制，我設計了一個 1 到 5 級的量表，今後只有 3 級或以上的強度我才會評論。

1. 可原諒的愚蠢行為，不經意時可能出現在任何人身上。

2. 即興發表的荒謬言論，這種表現顯然沒有經過深思熟慮，可容忍。

3. 因個人的愚蠢或不足而責怪他人，這種怪罪是徹頭徹尾的愚蠢言論。

4. 任何與邏輯或理性背道而馳，極其低能的言論或行為。

5. 讓人們一聽到就無言，空洞絕頂的任何言論。

這個級別表我稱之為松鼠量表，是一種政治芮氏地震量表，無論涉及哪個政黨，未來評論我都會開宗明義引用。

所以今後柯市長可以放心，只要他維持在松鼠量表指南的低階部分，我就不會如此熱情地記錄他的定期失誤。例如他走幾步就趴在地上，我絕對不會評論；如果他在公務行程中穿得不得體或是舉止不端，我也不會有意見。

如果他開始談論選總統，那將是松鼠量表5級，我會就會插個話。

Tinkerty Tonk...掰掰。

Easy Target - Everyone's out to get me :(

(翻譯在下方)

You have to wonder about someone with presidential ambitions who plays the victim quite as much as the Taipei Mayor. 

I really don’t like to keep sniping at him, but he makes himself such an easy target. 

He is politically inept, and by implication, so are his team of advisors and minders. If he thinks always playing the underdog will garner him votes, he is mistaken. It’s sad to see someone with presidential ambitions to get the core value of political leadership so wrong.   

I’ve lost count of the number of times he has accused others of targeting him, misunderstanding him, misquoting him, misrepresenting him or just picking on him.  

He’s not wrong, everyone does pick on him. That’s because he is politically weak and really does not get how politics works. He must be surrounded by a team of incompetents who have only a tiny understanding of the cut-and-thrust of democratic politics. 

If he really wants to be President of Taiwan, the first thing he needs to do is sack his entire team ahead of 2024.

To be allowed to be photographed apparently on his own on a chilly parade ground on television and in front of the entire population was a political faux pas. The one thing a potential leader does not do is look isolated. But let’s be charitable and suppose circumstances were beyond his, or his minders, control and he could help but be standing there apparently on his own. 

In itself that was a political slip up. But he made it multiple degrees worse after the photo was published by making out he was put there on purpose to make him look bad and play the victim. This really is pathetic. 

What was his team thinking to allow him to be in that position? What was he thinking in allowing himself to be pushed into that position? What were they thinking when they complained about it after the event? 

You can only come to the conclusion that he is not cut out for political life, the team around him have little understanding of how to get him to the presidency, or he is just delusional and somehow thinks the victim image will somehow gain a sympathy vote. He is wrong.

Imagine this guy in talks with Biden or Putin…the mind boggles. 

Tinkerty Tonk...

你不得不懷疑任何有總統野心的人，會像台北市長一樣經常扮演受害者。我真的不喜歡一直評論他，但他一再讓自己成為如此容易攻擊的目標。

他在政治上是無能的，這意味著他的顧問和幕僚也是如此。如果他認為總是扮演被壓迫的一方會為他贏得選票，那他就錯了。看到有總統野心的人把政治領導的核心價值弄錯，真是令人難過。

我已經數不清他有多少次指責別人針對他、誤解他、錯誤引用他、歪曲他或只是挑他毛病。

他沒錯，的確很多人都在挑他的毛病，因為他在政治上很弱，也真的不明白政治是如何運作的。他肯定是被一群政治無能者包圍，他們對民主政治的切入點及其運作方式知之甚少。如果他真的想成為台灣總統，他需要做的第一件事就是在2024年之前解僱他的整個團隊。

被拍到在寒冷的廣場上和在所有人面前孤獨一人在政治上是尷尬的，潛在領導者不會做的一件事就是看起來孤立無援。但是讓我們仁慈一點，假設當時的情況超出他或他的幕僚可以控制範圍，他沒有選擇只能自己站在那裡。

這本身已經是個政治失誤了，但在照片發布後認為出發點是為了要讓他出醜難堪，扮演被害者角色使情況變得更糟，這真的很可悲。

讓他處於這種狀況的幕僚在想什麼？允許幕僚把自己放入這種狀況的他在想什麼？此事之後還抱怨，他們在想什麼？

你只能得出結論，就是他不適合政治生活，他的團隊對如何讓他成為總統一無所知，或者他只是在妄想，不知何故他認為受害者形象會以某種方式獲得同情票，他錯了。

想像一下，這個人正在與拜登或普丁交談……我難以想像。

Tinkerty Tonk...掰掰。

New Year Standup Comedy Fun

As midnight rolled around the world, fireworks lit-up the sky and people rang in what will hopefully be a better year, I guess it was up to someone to provide a little light relief from the somewhat depressing thoughts of the two years just past. 

Enter the Taipei Mayor, never backwards in coming forward, and always ready to provide some slapstick comedy, he took to the stage outside City Hall before being totally upstaged by the fireworks. As socially awkward as ever, he mumbled his way through a few lines to inform the crowd how great a job he did with the pandemic, although he had the good grace to thank hospitals, medical staff and the public for their help and cooperation.

A clean and neutral few words to a crowd who was keen to get on with things and celebrate and not listen to boring politicians. So far, so good.  

Given his wacky and entertaining performances in the past, I’m sure many in the crowd felt a twinge of disappointment that this little appearance seemed not to be descending in chaos and farce. However, their faith was quickly restored when the real comedy highlight of the evening arrived in the form of three flanking presenters who then chimed in.

His minders should really have immediately stepped in then to prevent the ensuing carnage, but as usual they abandoned the hapless Mayor to his embarrassing and hilarious fate, with what was probably the best example of nauseating sycophancy I’ve witnessed in many a long year.   

One dressed like a powder-puff, and the other dressed like Tigger from Winnie the Pooh then made mincemeat of the unlucky Mayor with questions that would have embarrassed a group of seven-year-olds playing a pretend game of Blind Date. 

“We still have a little bit of time. Can we ask some more intimate questions?” gushed Tigger. 

To his credit Ko looked embarrassed and stared at the ground looking for all the world like he was wishing it would crack open and swallow him up. “Absolutely no, haha,” he replied. To my mind this was absolutely the right answer.  

Powder Puff, keen for her moment in the sun clearly did not hear Mr Mayor’s reply, or just ignored it. Turning to Mrs Ko she asked…”Do you have complaints? Do you feel tired?” Now I’m sure Puff prepared for ages for this performance and in coming up with this question you can only assume she wanted to know if her feet didn’t ache from all this standing around on a cold night or she was tired of being asked dumb questions by a woman dressed like candy floss. 

No stranger to asking daft questions herself, Mrs Ko exclusively revealed..”Maybe. When I'm very tired I will complain a little.” An astounding revelation we would all agree, I’m sure. But she couldn’t help herself with a little bit of politicking..”But I will forget about it soon and will continue to support him.” This was more like the cutting edge political debate the crowd had come to hear.

“I will pay attention to his daily activities and hope he will rest more,” she insightfully added. “But he usually doesn't listen to me.” Well no surprise there dear Mrs Ko, because no one else does. 

Then, not to be outdone, a gormless looking guy in bright orange trousers looking like he’d just arrived from a building site chipped in with a real blockbuster…”I'd like to know if you two have time for a date. Do you go out for dates?”

The crowd fell silent in awed anticipation of the possibly earth-shattering answer. “Er, when we were both doctors, she came to visit me when I was on duty. I visited her when she was on duty. I also helped her to see her patients and she helped me,” came the shocking admission from Ko of covert lovers’ trysts among the bed-pans in the sluice cupboard.  

Powder puff, Tigger and Orange Pants knew they had struck gold. “HAHAHAHA,” the chorused as all three scanned the crowd as if willing the assembled masses to see the funny side and join in the hilarity.

I’ve never thought of Ko’s wife as being particularly self-aware, but at this stage even she seemed to have noticed that this was not going well. But the three clowns were relentless and the Mayor’s minders seemed content to let the train-wreck play itself out. 

Powder Puff clearly thought she was being upstaged at this point and came back with a zinger. “Now, there are 12 flower festivals in Taipei. Would you ask the mayor to go and see the flowers with you? Which one do you want to see?

By this time, Mrs Ko had had enough. “When he's free.” she briskly replied.

Powder Puff to Mr Mayor…”Will you be free? She's asking for a date.”

Like his wife, Mayor Ko by this time had become almost monosyllabic in his replies…”I will try to be available. I will try my best.”

Powder puff, Tigger and Orange Pants ….“HAHAHAHA.”

I can only guess the Mayor’s advisory team were in a bar somewhere drowning their sorrows, having abandoned their boss to his ignominious fate at the hands of the idiot presenters from hell. 

At least they allowed the rest of us to get the New Year off to an excellent start with a good laugh at his expense. 

Tinkerty Tonk… 

《新年脫口秀》

當跨年午夜輪流在世界各地啟動時，煙火照亮了天空，人們期待新的一年會比去年更好，我想應該有人出來舒緩一下過去兩年的沮喪。

於是台北市長上場了，可以出風頭時他從不退縮，隨時準備來點鬧劇：在壓軸施放煙火前，他和他的太太走上市政府外的舞台。一如既往他在公開場合顯得格格不入，咕噥著想告訴人們他在疫情中的表現，儘管他表示很感激醫院、醫護人員和民眾的合作。

對等著慶祝跨年而不想聽無聊政客說話的人群來說，這算是乾淨而中性的幾句話，到目前為止都還好。

鑑於他過去在公開場合古怪而有趣的表現，我相信在場的許多人都感到一陣失望，因為這個小小的致辭似乎沒有演變為混亂和鬧劇。令人意外的是今晚的喜劇亮點，以三位主持人的形式出現，讓人們重拾鬧劇演出的信心。

市長的幕僚真的應該立即介入以防止隨後發生的悲劇，但像往常一樣，他們拋棄了不幸的市長，讓他在舞台上陷入尷尬可笑，這可能是我一年來目睹諂媚到令人作嘔的最好例子。

這幾個主持人一個穿得像粉撲，還有一個穿得像小熊維尼的跳跳虎，他們把倒霉的市長攤在眾人面前切碎，他們提出的問題甚至會讓一群玩我愛紅娘的七歲孩子感到尷尬。

「今天還有一點小小的時間，我們可不可以問一些比較私密的話？」跳跳虎這麼問。值得稱讚的是，市長似乎看起來有點尷尬，盯著地上想要找到整個世界，好像希望地面會裂開把他吞下去一樣。

「千萬不要，哈哈，」他如此回答。在我看來，這絕對是正確的答案。

熱衷於曬太陽的跳跳虎顯然沒有聽到市長先生的回答，或者只是置之不理。他轉柯太太：「您到底有沒有怨言？」「會不會累？」

我相信跳跳虎一定為這場表演準備了很長時間，在提出這個問題時，你只能假設他想知道她是否在寒冷的夜晚站到腳酸，或者她是否厭倦了一個打扮成老虎的男人向她提出愚蠢的問題。

然而柯太太本人對提出蠢問題一事並不陌生，她獨家透露：「或許吧，很累的時候，我會抱怨一兩句。」這真是個驚人的發現，我敢肯定我們都會同意！

她到底還是忍不住政治化一下：「不過我很快就會忘了，又會恢復到我以前支持他的態度。」人們聚集在廣場跨年，好像是為了聽這麼精闢的發言。

「我會注意他的身體健康，當然有時候也會約束他的日常作息，希望他能夠多休息，」柯太太在此補充了更多細節。「不過他通常不太會聽我的話。」

好吧，親愛的柯太太，這並不奇怪，因為也沒有其他人會聽妳的話。

然後，一個穿著鮮橘色長褲看起來像是剛從建築工地趕來的男人，不甘示弱問了最精彩的一句：「我想問一下你們真的有時間約會嗎？有時間約會出去玩嗎？」此時人群中一片靜默，敬畏地期待著接下來可能驚天動地的答案。

「我們兩個在當住院醫師的時候，我值班她來看我，她值班我去看她。。。順便幫她看她的病人。。。她來外科病房，她也是需要處理的幫忙處理。」

市長令人震驚地承認了他們是在櫃子裡擺著便盆的病房中秘密幽會的情侶。

粉撲、跳跳虎和鮮橘色褲子覺得他們中了樂透：「哈哈哈哈，」三人齊聲哈哈大笑並且掃視人群，好像很希望台下的群眾也看到有趣的一面，並加入他們一起歡笑。

我從來都不覺得柯太太特別有自知之明，但到了這個階段就連她似乎也察覺到事情有些尷尬。但是這三個小丑是無情的，市長的幕僚似乎也不在乎台上上演火車對撞。

粉撲顯然認為她被搶了風頭，於是加碼發問：「現在台北有12個花季，要不要找個時間約一下市長看花？妳有最想要看到哪一個嗎？」

這時候柯太太已經受夠了。「應該他有空的時候吧，」她輕快地回答。

粉撲轉向市長：「那你有空嗎？她在揪你呢。」

和他的妻子一樣，市長此時的回答幾乎進入單音節了：「我會想辦法，盡力啦。」

粉撲、跳跳虎和鮮橘色褲子繼續齊聲大笑：「哈哈哈。」

我只能猜測市長的幕僚把老闆可恥的命運放在來自地獄的白痴主持人手中之後，應該在某個酒吧狂歡跨年。

不過往好處想，至少他們以犧牲市長的代價，讓我們以開懷大笑展開新的一年。

Tinkerty Tonk…掰掰！

Oops another Bird-Brained Brain Fart

 I see Mr Wannabe is gibbering inanely again. The arrogance and ridiculous peacock-like strutting of these plastic politicians is hilarious to watch. They are too thick to realise that by spouting such nonsense they only succeed in making themselves look ridiculous, and a laughing stock. 

First, his bird-sized brain can’t seem to work out the entire referendum was invalid. He really needs to look this word up, but just for him it means…. not correct or provable or not legally recognized. It was an abject failure by those who set the referendum in motion in the first place.

Second, and this is the really worrying bit, he does not seem to understand that referendums, or any vote, can be close. He is implying that if the vote had been valid only a couple of cities would have swung the vote. 

I guess it may come as a bit of a surprise to him that this is how democracy works, and referendum in particular. He clearly does not seem to understand how voting, politics or democracy works. 

Results can be close and small areas and small numbers of people can affect the whole country. A five year old could understand this. If he bothered to look at democracies abroad from time to time he would know this. But it seems he does not look at the global news too much.  

More mind-blowing is him saying those who voted in certain parts of the country didn’t understand the issues but only listened to the government. The towering arrogance of such a statement rocks me back on my heels.

With a brain which is clearly the size of a walnut, he has the temerity to publicly announce 'don't listen to them, listen to me….because I know better.’

It would be sad if it were not so funny. Ten out ten for giving us all a good laugh today. Zero out of ten if you really thought this was somehow a smart thing to say out-loud.

Still, do please keep it up. The more dim-witted, inane, insulting and just plain stupid statements you make will serve to keep you a million miles from any political power you so seem to so desperately crave. 

Please never, ever actually engage your brain. We all need a good laugh from time to time and you need to be kept far, far away from mainstream politics. 

Tinkerty Tonk… 

今天我看到 Mr Wannabe 肖想先生又在瘋狂地胡言亂語了。

傲慢的塑膠政客自以為是孔雀開屏般昂首闊步實在荒謬。為什麼說是塑膠政客？因為這種人根本不是真的政治人物，而且他們笨到不知道胡說八道只會讓自己成為笑柄。

首先他那跟小鳥所差無幾的腦袋規模，似乎無法理解四個公投沒有通過就是無效。他真的應該查查無效是什麼意思，對他來說，這似乎意味著不正確，無法證明或未被法律承認，但事實上無效只代表那些啟動公投的人徹底失敗了。

其次真正令人擔憂的一點，就是他似乎不明白公投或任何選舉的勝敗結果，都可能非常接近。從他對高雄反萊豬不同意票數的發言看來，他認為只要一兩個城市就可以改變結果。是的這沒有錯，所以他為什麼感到驚訝？

我猜他有點驚訝這就是民主，特別是公投，是因為他顯然不明白投票、政治或民主是如何運作。

選舉勝負可能只有分毫之差，因此小選區或是少數人就可能影響整個國家的走向，一個五歲的孩子都明白這一點。如果他偶爾去看看國外的民主，他也會知道這一點，不過也許他不太看國際新聞。

更令人震驚的是，他說在台灣南部選民不看公投內容，只聽政黨的話投票。這種無以倫比的傲慢讓我驚訝到下巴都要掉下來了，明明有只有胡桃般大小的腦袋，哪來的自信：不要聽他們的，聽我的，我比較懂！

若不是因為好笑， Mr Wannabe 這個情況其實很悲哀。在成為笑料方面他是滿分，但如果認為大聲自曝其短是一件很聰明的事情，只能給零分。

不過 Mr Wannabe 還是請你繼續保持下去，因為任何更愚蠢、更空洞、更侮辱人的言論，都將使你遠離你朝思暮想的政治職位一百萬英里。

請永遠，永遠不要讓你的大腦動起來。我們需要你三不五時讓我們開懷大笑，而你也需要遠離主流政治。

Tinkerty Tonk… 掰掰。

Referendum hangover (中文版)