Political cliché

Mr Wannabe President - “Sigh, I really want to become President but I’ve no idea how to go about it. I know, I’ll pop to the political ideas shop and see what they have in stock.”

“Good morning Mr Political Ideas Shopkeeper. I’m having a bit of a problem with the campaign and I need some ideas. I’m not spectacularly imaginative and need a bit of help.”

“I’m looking for something catchy so the public will understand, and it has to be short so they remember it. Oh, and it needs to make me appear like I actually care, and don’t want the top job because I just really, really, really want to be president and get my name in the history books.”

Ideashop Shopkeeper - “Certainly sir, let’s see what I have in stock. What about picking a fight with a neighbouring country? The Brits used that to huge effect just lately and Boris Johnson won the last election with the biggest majority for 40 years.”

Mr Wannabe President - “Humm, that one is a bit tough because you know who our closest neighbour is, and I think we’d like to stay friendly with Japan. What else do you have?”

Ideashop Shopkeeper - “Well there’s always anti-immigration, that also worked well for Boris and was all part of his Everyone Should Hate the EU campaign.

“The upside is you can lie as much as you like because everyone will blame the immigrants for everything anyway. It works extremely well and really took off in the United States, although it  didn’t end too well and their wall was never finished.”

Mr Wannabe President - “I really can’t see that one going down too well given the jobs the imported labour does here and besides, who’s going to look after my old Mum and Dad while I’m out and about with my soapbox drumming up support.”

“I need something that’s more simple that doesn’t commit me to announcing any solid policies.”

Ideashop Shopkeeper - “Well, I do have this, although it’s had a few previous owners so it is a bit battered and needs some attention. It’s the Make our Country Great Again campaign.”

“One second I’ll get a damp cloth to clean it up a bit... This has certainly seen some action over the years, but I’m sure it  will clean up as good as new.”

“Although I can’t guarantee its reliability as it’s not worked too well in the past.”

“In fact Boris was in the shop with his mate Nigel Farage not long ago and they bought it.”

“Frankly I think Nigel had taken him down the pub beforehand as I didn’t even have to come down in price. Mind you, this is the exact same idea as they returned it not long after when they realised the country was actually called Great Britain.”

“That’s why it’s a little dirty...er, you do understand I can’t give you any refunds on this particular idea as it’s been used so many times?”

“But it is a very popular line. Canada bought it once and tried it but it didn’t catch on at all, the Skiing Association, Farmers Union and even the bloody Country Music Association have bought this particular model.”

“The Republicans still have theirs although it seems to have lost its appeal now, and they were back in the shop a while back to buy the Save America campaign.”

“I’ll be completely honest with you because it’s hardly a new idea and has been tried in a lot of places, but it has never really worked.”

“People tend to ask awkward questions and that can cause you problems. So you don’t think the country is great? When was it last great? How are you going to make it great? What stopped it being great?”

“That last one can be particularly tricky if your party happened to be in power when something bad happened in the past and you can’t blame it on someone else.”

“It’s not difficult for your political opponents, or journalists, to dig out all sorts of economic numbers and things like that to prove the country became less great when your party was in power. So you need to handle it with a bit of care” 

“I’ll tell you what, I’ll give you a knock-down price because I like your face...but don’t bring it back saying it’s not working.”

Mr Wannabe President - “Great, I’ll take it.” 

Ideashop Shopkeeper - “A pleasure doing business. I’ll get the boy to clean it up a bit and deliver it, shall we say Friday? Oh and the hats, if you have a load of hats made. I can’t buy back any more hats, I have a stockroom full of the damn things and I can’t shift them…” 

《 陳腔爛調的政治語言 》 Mr Wannabe President：唉，我真的很想成為總統，但不知道要怎麼做。啊，我知道了！我去政治點子商店看看他們有什麼好東西。 (進入店門) Mr Wannabe President ：早安！我在準備競選期間遇到了一些問題，需要來點腦力激盪。實在也是因為我沒有驚人的想像力，所以要找人幫個忙。 我在找一些可以讓民眾很快就懂，而且簡短容易記住的選舉策略。 哦還有，這必須讓我看起來像是我有把選總統當一回事的樣子。我不是想要坐上那個高位，而是因為我真的、真的、真的很想當總統，讓歷史把我的名字記上一筆。 Ideashop Shopkeeper： 沒問題先生，我看看店裡有什麼庫存。。。找鄰國吵一架如何？最近有個人利用這一點對選舉造成巨大影響，就是那個英國首相強生，他以 40 年來的最大的多數贏得英國上次選舉。 Mr Wannabe President ： 這個有點難，你知道我們的鄰居是日本，我想我們應該和日本保持友好的關係。還有什麼別的商品？ Ideashop Shopkeeper： 歷久彌新的反移民政策很好用，強生也覺得很有效，這是他《每個人都應該恨歐盟》的競選主軸之一。 好處是你可以隨心所欲地撒謊，因為無論如何大家都會把一切歸咎於外來移民。這很有效，在美國也大受歡迎，不過結局不太好，那座要擋住墨西哥人的牆也沒完工。 Mr Wannabe President ：這也許不會受歡迎，因為我們有許多外來勞工在本地工作。還有，我要出去跑選舉場的時候，誰照顧我的老爸老媽？我需要一些更簡單的想法，不過不可以逼得我必須宣布真正的政策。 Ideashop Shopkeeper： 嗯，這個我們確實有，不過因為是以前留下來的存貨，有點破舊，需要整理一下。就是《讓我們的國家再次偉大》 (Make our Country Great Again) 競選主軸。 等一下，我拿塊布清理一下……這幾年被拿去用了幾次，我清一清就會跟新的一樣，不過我不能保證可靠，因為的確有不太好用的例子。 那個英國人強生和他的夥伴法拉奇不久前來我店裡，買下了這一款。說實話，我認為他們來之前，法拉奇應該是把強生帶去酒吧喝酒了，所以他們來的時候我根本不必降價，就很容易就賣給他們。不過沒多久他們就把這個商品還給我們，因為他們忽然發現英國就是叫 Great Britain。 呃，我話要先說在前頭，貨物既出概不退換，因為這個已經被使用很多次了。這一款其實賣得不錯，加拿大買了一次，試過了，但根本沒有流行起來。滑雪協會、農民聯盟甚至該死的鄉村音樂協會都買過。共和黨也買了而且現在還留著，不過這似乎已經沒有吸引力了，他們現在又來店裡要買《拯救美國》這一型。 老實說這不是新產品，已經在很多地方試過，但是從來沒有真正奏效。因為人們會問你一些尷尬的問題，那就很麻煩。他們會問你：所以你本來不覺得這個國家很棒嗎？ 上一次很棒是什麼時候？你打算如何讓國家變得很棒？是什麼阻止了國家變偉大？ 最後一個問題特別棘手，因為如果過去有很糟的事發生在你的政黨執政的時候，你不能歸咎於其他人。挖掘出各種經濟數字之類的東西，來證明你執政期間國家變得不那麼強大了，對你的政治對手或記者來說並不難，所以你需要小心處理。 這樣好了，我給你打個折扣，因為你看起來蠻討人喜歡的……但不可以拿回來退，說這沒有用。 Mr Wannabe President ： 太好了，就買這個！ Ideashop Shopkeeper：成交！ 我會讓我的伙計稍微清理一下再送過去給你，星期五可以嗎？哦還有帽子，如果你想要做一批《讓XX再度偉大》的帽子的話，要算的剛剛好，多的不能退給我。我的倉庫裡堆滿了那些該死的東西，裡頭動彈不得……